I’ve lamented that my wife loves buying pillows at an irrational and breakneck pace. But pillows aren’t the only weird, unnecessary object my wife collects. 

Here are a few more that make surprise appearances in boxes addressed to my wife:

Cheeseboards

Inspired by my cousin’s request for us to bring cheese and crackers to Thanksgiving, my wife asked a confounding question.

“For Thanksgiving, I was thinking about getting another cheeseboard. Or do you think that’s crazy?.”

At least she had the self-awareness to say “another” when referring to her collection of cheeseboards. I confirmed.

“Yes, that’s crazy.”

Do we use the cheeseboards often? No. 

I wouldn’t even know about the cheeseboards if not for the constant struggle to store them: kitchen, dining room, kitchen again.

The cheeseboards in this house come in all shapes, sizes, and materials: wood, black marble, white marble, and crystal.

My wife’s rationale for buying this cheeseboard, found on one of her many digital shopping sprees, was that a larger one would serve more people.

“Just take 2 or 3 of our many cheeseboards and combine them,” I posed—simple geometry.

Saner heads prevailed, and she agreed to that plan. 

Rugs

She consistently falls in love with new rugs. Fancy carpets adorn every floor in every room of the house. Some of these rugs are holdovers from our Brooklyn apartment, and some are newer. I’m convinced she wants to manually carpet this house wall-to-wall, one area rug at a time.

The most insane attempt came when we visited one of our favorite secondhand warehouses in Baltimore called Second Chance. At Second Chance, she found a rug that must have been in some mansion. It looked like something you might see in a castle banquet room. It was huge. She pulled out her phone and tried to do the math but couldn’t calculate a way to fit the rug in our house (more geometry). Then she considered getting it altered. I’ve never heard of altering a carpet like a tailor alters pants. She obsessed over the rug for the next few weeks until she finally got it out of her system by falling in love with a new area rug.

Table Linens

In fact, this one elusive table linen: the one for our patio table. She can’t find tablecloth that covers the entire table. Along the way, she’s bought several different linens with different patterns and materials. She’s always thinking about a cover for that table – to the point that even I know the table’s dimensions, just in case I come upon something that might fit.

Front Door Wreaths

Everyone in our neighborhood has a fantastic wreath game which drives us to keep up. My wife’s strategy of buying the cheaper wreaths might seem prudent on the surface. The cheap wreaths break down. I urged her to buy a high-quality wreath because she’s spent enough on all the cheap ones to afford one nice one.