“It’s like you’re in different zip codes,” my friend told me years ago as he stared off into space, waxing poetic about his new king-sized bed.

Space is at a premium when in bed with the same person for eternity. It’s not that I want a different person in bed. I want the bed to myself.

I always thought they called them “king-sized beds” because they were fit for a king. But now I think it’s because it encourages the occupants toA establish two kingdoms ruled by each sleeper on opposite sides of the bed.

In that case, the neighboring kingdom– my wife’s kingdom– has not been very neighborly. She’s certainly invested in improving the sleep situation: expensive sheets, scores of pillows, and a nightstand for each of us. But these so far turned out to be aesthetic enhancements, not solutions to conflict. 

Here are seven annoying bed habits my wife has that might drive us into a California King:

Using the Top Sheet
What is the purpose of that top sheet? If I didn’t have a wife, that top sheet would not be on my bed. None of my male friends use or understand this sheet. It constricts, tangles, and confuses.

Poor Cover Etiquette
One night, our too-good-for-us cat Daphne fell asleep under the covers with me. I froze, knowing the slightest distraction would ruin the moment. My wife got in bed a few moments later, then decided to adjust something on her night table, pulling the entire cover assembly with her. Daphne, of course, got out of dodge. My wife forgets there is another person in bed…and sometimes a cat or two.

Littering Our Bed With Phones and Remotes
Have you ever been jabbed awake by a cell phone or remote? My wife falls asleep, cavalierly leaving her phone and various remotes between us. She should retire these items to her nightstand.

Transistor Radio Style Phone Videos
My wife may be a millennial, but she doesn’t know how to control the volume on her phone. In bed, she streams videos of wannabe influencers screaming or complaining. The cheap, low-quality phone speaker rattles my brain.

Sleeping Hot
The other night, I got under the covers, and a sweat lodge greeted me. My wife sleeps hot, and I hope she figures out how to be more comfortable…and keep the bed dry. I require below 65 and bone dry conditions.

Putting Bravo on the TV
Are there any straight guys out there who can sleep to the sound of spoiled middle-aged women screaming at one another? I didn’t think so.

Talking In Her Sleep
“Just climb onto the boat.”
“No! Stay away from the woods!”
These aren’t snippets from horror movie scripts. These are the type of disconnected ramblings startling me in the still of the night, muttered by my wife in her sleep. It’s like she’s pulling me into her nightmare.