Homemade greeting cards from our friends feature a repeated template: happy wife and kids or pets and the awkward/sad husband. If you look deeply into his eyes, you just know he’s uncomfortable—that look that almost says “save me!” 

He’s often asked to do some unnatural action like touch a pregnant stomach, or nuzzle, probably the first time he’s nuzzled since that magical first three months of the relationship. 

I bet these photo shoots are almost always the wife’s idea.  

My first exposure to the wife-mandated photo shoot was engagement photo day. 

The rule of that day was: play up an enraptured state of emotional bliss. 

“What’s with all the puckering,” my wife asked when those engagement photos came back. I couldn’t deny these puckers: I was like a cartoon character with recent lip implants. As I attempted to explain the puckering, I realized for the first time that a series of puckers could say a lot.

My explanation highlighted all the reasons I hate wife-mandated photo shoots: 

I Don’t Do PDA

Most wife-mandated photo shoots happen to be outside in public. Regardless, I do my best to avoid conspicuous public behavior.  That includes touching and kissing my wife. That engagement shoot was all over Brooklyn: on a park carousel, on the crowded Brooklyn Bridge, by the water in a popular city park. I could feel the eyes all over me as we posed and nuzzled. 

I Am Not An Actor, and If I Was, I wouldn’t do Love Scenes 

It’s not just the puckering. In some pictures, also leaning away from my wife in various ghastly positions, rivaling those Japanese contortion artist ghosts. “Act like you actually love each other,” the photographer implored. Other than “are you ready to get started,” that was the saddest line of the day. 

I Live In Reality 

Do any wife-mandated photo shoots look natural? I didn’t think so. Spontaneity and specific moments are true romance. It can’t be manufactured. 

Even If I Didn’t Live In Reality, It’s Not My Kind of Art 

Think of these striking scenes: God Giving Life to Adam, Liberty Leading The People or The Birth of Venus. Even simple pieces: David. The Mona Lisa. There is so much going on in these works. Most of the time, the protagonists aren’t looking at the artist, and don’t even seem aware that they are being painted. That’s the power I expect visually if we’re going to do pictures. 

I’d Rather Be Doing So Many Other Things 

For weeks, I dreaded photo day after it was etched into our calendar. These photo shoots are always on weekends, require getting dolled up and all day commitment. I’d much rather be sitting on the couch watching paint dry. 

They Pictures Don’t Really Serve a Purpose 

Other than making my wife happy which, of course, is very important, we didn’t use the pictures for anything aside from hanging one in our house.  Seems like an expensive endeavor for such little use.