My wife recently dropped the following bomb: “you’re not emotionally supportive.”

I surveyed my high school and college buddy threads: does your wife think you’re emotionally supportive?

My buddies run the gambit from A-student, graduate school, Presidents, Partners, and even a Quaker, all the way to shady characters—gamblers and miscreants.

I received only two answers from these characters:

1. No
2. Hmm. What is emotional support anyway?

While Googling the definition of “emotional support,” I stumbled upon this confusing passage:

There is little consensus on how to define or operationalize emotional support. Some researchers have defined emotional support to include the provision of care, empathy, love and trust (Langford et al., 1996) while others have emphasized expressions of encouragement, active listening, reflection, and reassurance (Dale, Williams & Bowyer, 2012). Moreover, some researchers have characterized emotional support as reciprocal interactions of “mutual obligation” while others have characterized it as solely a subjective perception of feeling accepted loved and respected (Langford et al., 1996). We are thereby left wondering: does emotional support include care and love? Or is it based on encouragement and listening? Is it related to a sense of community? Or is it based on subjective perception?

Aside from several different guesses above, a few things stand out:

-There is no expert consensus on defining “emotional support”

-Emotional support is potentially based on subjective perception (what a vague phrase)

I Didn’t Grow Up Doing It

So how am I supposed to practice something I don’t understand? Based on what I think emotional support is, I can list the reasons I’m not great at it:

Most problems were solved by drowning our sorrows in a Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Spending time doing something pleasant together was essentially our emotional support. 

I’m Not as Experienced as She Thinks

Of course, my wife thinks I’m Don Juan, but I haven’t been part of many deep relationships. I didn’t commonly reach the “emotional support” level in dating, but that might be because all those women realized I wasn’t emotionally supportive. 

It’s Not a Physical Entity

Subjective. Intangible. That is emotional support. “Support” to me is an arch, or a beam—or even something you stick in your shoe to ease foot pain. “Emotional support” is essentially air.

It Feels Stagnant

Wallowing in emotion is a lack of progress. Emotional support may be the engine that helps my wife cope, but can’t we quickly fix the issue and move on?

I Truly Don’t Understand How She’s Feeling

I understand she’s unhappy, but sometimes I can’t decipher her unhappiness over lost keys or a spilled glass of wine (even if it’s on a nice carpet) or something else she can’t even articulate herself. As a veteran of skipping class and testing the law, I’m used to things not working out. I have low self-expectations and standards. My wife, a perfect oldest child, isn’t so good at handling curveballs.

Gen X Misunderstanding

I didn’t grow up with social media creating benchmarks for me. I’m sure my wife follows plenty of influencers and friends who paint a social media picture of a perfectly emotionally supportive husband or partner. Her social feed makes my feeble attempts look worse. 

So, where do we go from here? 

I think my best bet is to eavesdrop on her Facetimes with her gay friend. He seems to know the right thing to say at all times. Either I can’t come up with the same material, or I’ll get in trouble if I try to say certain things he says.